In a landmark study the world famous Institute of Studies (IoS) has discovered that air is really important. The study cost $45,000,000 and lasted three years, but just this week they are confident enough of their results to go public.
Professor Data the lead scientist on the study said. “We already knew that air was important for boring things like breathing and maintaining a living biosphere, but nobody really cares about that. What we’ve discovered now will make people really appreciate how important air is for life.”
The study focused on three areas.
1. Balloons at children’s parties
Over a one-year period the scientists went to every child’s birthday party within a 100km radius and stole all the balloons and then recorded the reactions of children and parents. They discovered that both groups became angry. The study concluded that angry children and parents made for a less productive economy, and put the cost of the work days that would be lost as parents dealt with temper tantrums if all balloons were to disappear at $3.4 billion per year.
2. Unicycle tyres
Prof. Data himself spent six months touring the country looking for circuses and letting all the air out of the tyres on unicycles. The result was that clowns were not able to cycle into the ring, falling over before they were in front of an audience, and over 200 of them lost their jobs. IoS data said that if there wasn’t any air for unicycles then the clown industry would likely collapse, and nobody wants to see all those depressed clowns hanging around with nothing to do.
3. Breaking wind in comedy movies
The final stage of the study involved 1,000 volunteers who sat through all of the comedy films released in the last two years twice, the second time through all references to breaking wind were edited out. Prof. Data used a state of the art laughometer and determined that the films were exactly 23.7% less funny after the edit.
“As you can see, this is groundbreaking research and we’ve really done something to help humanity. The research money was diverted from a study into the health impacts of air pollution on young children and pregnant women. I’m sure everyone can agree that we’ve done something much more useful with it, and I hope the Nobel Prize committee are listening.”
The next project for the IoS is due to start in two months and will focus on genetically modifying humans to make their hair fire resistant.